What can I say? I like alliteration. Thus the catchy title. Let me explain.
The other night, I had a couple of major breakthroughs due to using Brad Yates’ material. Both the Nurturing Tapping discussed in my last post and a guided imagery played a role in bringing the breakthroughs about.
Spoiler alert for Brad Yates’ Guided Imagery called, Love Milkshake. If you don’t want to know what happens in this mediation, skip the next paragraph. I’ll still keep it vague as not to spill ALL the beans.
After doing the Nurturing tapping, I went to bed that night listening to the Guided Imagery called, Love Milkshake, from The Magnificent Tappers Club. In it, a loving entity gives me a drink that he says is Liquid Love. My immediate reaction is that I don’t trust this entity. It’s too good to be true. What did he spike it with? He must have laced it with something. Nice try. I’m not falling for that one. Finally, though, I tentatively took a sip. It was good. Really good!
I then heard that still voice from deep within me thanking me for trusting him. I could tell he was touched that I took a chance on him. From there ensued a conversation and a memory that relates to the nourishment tapping.
When I was a little girl, somewhere between seven and nine, I remember that my daddy was coming home from a business trip. I was so excited to see him and put on my best dress for his arrival. He came in the front door and I gave him a big hug. He then went into the study. I followed him and sat on the floor at his feet as he sat at the desk content just to rest my head upon his leg.
Irritated, he asked my mother to take me away when she came in with his drink. I didn’t want to leave. I really needed my daddy’s comfort and protection this night more than any other. Something had happened while he was away and I needed to be safe in his presence. But he shooed me away from him. I didn’t understand why. I was so hurt. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it.
The realization dawned on me from this memory that ever since, I’ve been replaying that scene with other men in my life. Like the repetitions of a scratched record, I’ve been finding men who I thought to be safe, but in the end let me down when I really needed them. The real question, though, as I look back is whether they truly intentionally let me down or whether I subconsciously engineered and sabotaged the situation to lead in that direction.
I can now understand that my Daddy was exhausted from his trip and probably had much work to get done. He couldn’t have known my state of distress or that I would be forever devastated and marked by that dismissal. I can now see where in some situations I was demanding more attention of others than they were capable or willing to give. I just had a hard time distinguishing capable verses willing sometimes.
This memory and realization had me in tears as it came up that night. Sobbing, I chose to tap it out. It was really difficult but I persevered. I even managed to inject some piercing humor in some places as Brad does. It felt intense and gut-wrenching. Towards the end, I could feel a knot in my throat and then literally coughed this out. I felt much better after tapping it through.
I don’t think the work on this issue is done yet, though. In fact something tells me that it’s just started. Another layer of the onion skin needs to be peeled off. Yet there is that one dark spot on the onion which goes through all the layers to the core and I feel like that is what is being addressed here.
I felt the need to do some more tapping on it today and still felt deep emotion as I wrote this. What is magnificent now, though, is that I have a couple of tools to help me deal with this. I can indeed do what it takes to nurture and support myself.
I thank Brad Yates for his material which led me to these breakthroughs. More than that, though, I thank this loving presence I’ll call God for using Brad’s material in order to touch my heart and heal me. While I’m still not sure if this God can be fully trusted, I’m willing to try different practices, such as Brad’s, as safe containers with which to connect with Him and grow.